Thursday, 28 April 2011

2nd Entry

I thought I would share a bit more of the dark days before the dawn.

Why didn’t anyone notice me sinking into the pit of despair?  Here I am. Standing on the edge. The grass is green and lush. There are beautiful violets and gardenias all around. The smell is delicious. Everything looks and feels normal. Safe. Welcoming.  I take a step forward, the sun that was shining so brilliantly a minute ago drifts behind a cloud. The air now has a cold damp oppressive feel to it. Where did that dark fog come from? Creeping and heaving evilly across the ground toward me. Is it my imagination or is the fog getting darker around its perimeter?  As it lurks around my ankles I take a step forward. What was once a beautiful field full of amazingly perfumed flowers and lush pasture now resembles a desolate pit of quicksand.  The repressiveness of the black, gripping fear makes it impossible to breathe.
What’s happening to my mind? I can’t stay frozen to the spot so I try to take a step forward. The fog has wrapped its tentacles around my calves. It’s like walking through thick sludge. It slowly and maliciously spreads up my legs. When I take my next step the ground is no longer solid. My foot starts to sink into the chaos. My brain is quarrelling with my soul. “Don’t go any further. Stop. It’s not safe. You don’t belong here!” it screams.  The mind numbing agony of despair draws me forward. There is nothing to hold me back.  I reach out......there is nothing to grab on to. I don’t even call for help. Maybe I can’t. Maybe I am beyond caring. Maybe I can just slip away quietly. No struggle. No drama. No one to notice. Everyone would be better off anyway........
In my next blog I will share some more of my journey.
Please leave comments or questions and any any feedback would be great.

Monday, 11 April 2011

Welcome to my first post.

This blog is to help me reach all the mums and their friends and families that are trying to understand this thing titled PND.
My journey with PND has been going for a long time.
The best way I can explain it to you is to give you an insight into my experience through my writing.

These are my inner most thoughts and feelings.
It leaves me very raw to put this out there.
 I hope this reaches you.

Where am I?  The darkness is so thick I can’t breathe.  My eyes are open, aren’t they?  I can’t see.  All I can hear is my rapid short sharp breathes.  Am I trapped?  How do I get here?  Does anyone know I’m here?  Will they come and save me?
I open my mouth to scream but nothing comes out.  I am terrified.  Frozen.  Dead.  I try to move but my body doesn’t respond.  Am I even in my own body?  This feels like that time just before waking.  When your brain is conscious that your body isn’t.  It’s frightening.  It’s paralysing.  I want to scream for help but no one will hear me.  I feel like I have been screaming for a millennium.  No one ever hears, no one ever responds, no one ever understands, no one ever sees.  How could they?  It is just so dark on the inside, no one can see in. I won’t let them because they will be so disappointed with me.
The depth of despair is fathomless.  Am I as deep as I can go?  Please god tell me I am.  Reassure me there is no more depth.  I couldn’t bear it, not any deeper please!  Just thinking this sucks the air from my lungs.  I wonder what physical damage is happening to my body when I breathe like that.  Short sharp breathes.  No matter what I do or how rapidly I breathe, I can never obtain the oxygen my lungs so desperately crave.    It feels like there are glass shards stripping the inside lining of my lungs.  I don’t even want to breathe anymore.  If I went quietly would anyone notice?  Would I even notice?  Would it be any different from now?  Will the pain go away?
Sleep.  I am so tired all the time.  All I need is sleep!  All day, all night, all of the next day, all of the next night.  It still isn’t enough.  I am exhausted.  I can’t keep my eyes open.  I don’t want to keep my eyes open.  I don’t care about the outside.  I can hear my children in the background.  I don’t have the energy to even speak to them.  This breaks my heart.  They deserve so much better.  I just can’t give it to them right now.  My pillow is saturated.  And the tears never end.  All day, all night, all of the next day, all of the next night.
Can you recognise yourself or someone you know.
Let me know.
Follow my blog for the next instalment.
I look forward to hearing from you.
Please feel free to share this with anyone who will connect with this.