Thursday, 28 April 2011

2nd Entry

I thought I would share a bit more of the dark days before the dawn.

Why didn’t anyone notice me sinking into the pit of despair?  Here I am. Standing on the edge. The grass is green and lush. There are beautiful violets and gardenias all around. The smell is delicious. Everything looks and feels normal. Safe. Welcoming.  I take a step forward, the sun that was shining so brilliantly a minute ago drifts behind a cloud. The air now has a cold damp oppressive feel to it. Where did that dark fog come from? Creeping and heaving evilly across the ground toward me. Is it my imagination or is the fog getting darker around its perimeter?  As it lurks around my ankles I take a step forward. What was once a beautiful field full of amazingly perfumed flowers and lush pasture now resembles a desolate pit of quicksand.  The repressiveness of the black, gripping fear makes it impossible to breathe.
What’s happening to my mind? I can’t stay frozen to the spot so I try to take a step forward. The fog has wrapped its tentacles around my calves. It’s like walking through thick sludge. It slowly and maliciously spreads up my legs. When I take my next step the ground is no longer solid. My foot starts to sink into the chaos. My brain is quarrelling with my soul. “Don’t go any further. Stop. It’s not safe. You don’t belong here!” it screams.  The mind numbing agony of despair draws me forward. There is nothing to hold me back.  I reach out......there is nothing to grab on to. I don’t even call for help. Maybe I can’t. Maybe I am beyond caring. Maybe I can just slip away quietly. No struggle. No drama. No one to notice. Everyone would be better off anyway........
In my next blog I will share some more of my journey.
Please leave comments or questions and any any feedback would be great.

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