Monday, 11 April 2011

Welcome to my first post.

This blog is to help me reach all the mums and their friends and families that are trying to understand this thing titled PND.
My journey with PND has been going for a long time.
The best way I can explain it to you is to give you an insight into my experience through my writing.

These are my inner most thoughts and feelings.
It leaves me very raw to put this out there.
 I hope this reaches you.

Where am I?  The darkness is so thick I can’t breathe.  My eyes are open, aren’t they?  I can’t see.  All I can hear is my rapid short sharp breathes.  Am I trapped?  How do I get here?  Does anyone know I’m here?  Will they come and save me?
I open my mouth to scream but nothing comes out.  I am terrified.  Frozen.  Dead.  I try to move but my body doesn’t respond.  Am I even in my own body?  This feels like that time just before waking.  When your brain is conscious that your body isn’t.  It’s frightening.  It’s paralysing.  I want to scream for help but no one will hear me.  I feel like I have been screaming for a millennium.  No one ever hears, no one ever responds, no one ever understands, no one ever sees.  How could they?  It is just so dark on the inside, no one can see in. I won’t let them because they will be so disappointed with me.
The depth of despair is fathomless.  Am I as deep as I can go?  Please god tell me I am.  Reassure me there is no more depth.  I couldn’t bear it, not any deeper please!  Just thinking this sucks the air from my lungs.  I wonder what physical damage is happening to my body when I breathe like that.  Short sharp breathes.  No matter what I do or how rapidly I breathe, I can never obtain the oxygen my lungs so desperately crave.    It feels like there are glass shards stripping the inside lining of my lungs.  I don’t even want to breathe anymore.  If I went quietly would anyone notice?  Would I even notice?  Would it be any different from now?  Will the pain go away?
Sleep.  I am so tired all the time.  All I need is sleep!  All day, all night, all of the next day, all of the next night.  It still isn’t enough.  I am exhausted.  I can’t keep my eyes open.  I don’t want to keep my eyes open.  I don’t care about the outside.  I can hear my children in the background.  I don’t have the energy to even speak to them.  This breaks my heart.  They deserve so much better.  I just can’t give it to them right now.  My pillow is saturated.  And the tears never end.  All day, all night, all of the next day, all of the next night.
Can you recognise yourself or someone you know.
Let me know.
Follow my blog for the next instalment.
I look forward to hearing from you.
Please feel free to share this with anyone who will connect with this.

1 comment:

  1. Have shared this on my facebook and twitter sites- hopefully you'll get some followers to help out! This is a very brave thing you're doing and I think it's wonderful that you're trying to reach out to other women who are suffering in silence. I wish you all the best of luck and look forward to following you on this journey!